Well, well, well, you know what? I done told that crossword, we’re through! Ain’t gonna mess with it no more. It’s just too much for my old brain. I used to like them crossword puzzles, but now… I’m just fed up!
That crossword, it used to be my friend, my good buddy. Every morning, I’d sit down with my coffee and that paper, and we’d have a good old time. But things changed. It got harder and harder, like a stubborn mule that won’t budge. I’m tellin’ you, it ain’t worth the trouble.
Crossword puzzles, they used to be simple. Like, “What’s a four-letter word for a dog?” “Bark!” Easy peasy, lemon squeezy. But now? They got all these fancy words I ain’t never even heard of. Words like… like… well, I can’t even remember them, they’re so strange!
And the clues! Oh, the clues! They’re like riddles wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma! They say, “Check the tense!” What’s that even mean? Past, present, future, I got enough trouble keeping track of what day it is, let alone the tense of some silly word!
- Singular.
- Plural.
They tell you to make assumptions. I say, “Assumptions are not a good thing to make!” They mess you up! I assumed I knew a word once, wrote it in ink, and then, bam! It was wrong. Ruined the whole dang thing. Crossword, it’s a heartbreaker, I tell ya.
They say those puzzles get harder as the week goes on. Monday’s supposed to be easy, Saturday’s supposed to be hard. Well, they’re all hard to me now! Every single day is a struggle. It’s like climbing a mountain in flip-flops. Just ain’t gonna happen.
And that big Sunday crossword? Forget about it! That thing’s a monster. It’s bigger than my garden! They say it’s supposed to be like a Wednesday or Thursday puzzle. Ha! They’re pulling my leg. That thing’s impossible. It’s like trying to catch a greased pig at the county fair. Just ain’t gonna catch it.
People say, “Oh, crosswords make you smarter.” They say it keeps your brain sharp, like a good kitchen knife. They say it helps your “vocabulary.” Well, my vocabulary is just fine. I can talk to anyone, anytime. I don’t need no fancy words to do that. They say it helps your memory. Well, I remember plenty. I remember when bread was a nickel. I remember when folks were kind to each other. I remember when crosswords were fun!
And they say it helps you solve problems. Well, I got enough problems without that crossword adding to them! My biggest problem right now is that darn crossword! It’s a problem I done solved by breaking up with it!
They say it’s a good way to relax. Relax? Ha! That crossword makes me wanna pull my hair out! It’s stressful! It’s like trying to herd cats! It just ain’t no fun.
So, I’m done. I’m through with that crossword. I’m gonna find something else to do with my mornings. Maybe I’ll take up whittling. Or maybe I’ll just sit on the porch and watch the birds. Anything’s better than that crossword.
It’s time to take care of myself. That’s right. I’m gonna do what’s best for me. No more stressing over some silly puzzle. I’m gonna sit back, relax, and enjoy my coffee. If I want to feel something, I will. If I want to think about things, I will. This is my time now. Crossword can go find someone else to bother.
I’m setting boundaries, too. No more crosswords in this house! They’re banned! Like them pesky telemarketers, I ain’t answering the door for them no more. I’m free! Free from the tyranny of the crossword! And it feels good, I tell ya. It feels real good.
So, goodbye crossword. It’s been… well, it’s been something. But we’re through. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out. I done broke up with you, and it’s the best thing for me and my old brain. I tell you that, the crossword is not a smart choice for me no more!
